I’ve heard the ice cream truck drive by my house every day this month.  The song it always plays is so tantalizing, so much so that I had to google it to find out what it’s called.

It never seems to stop, though there are two houses across the street with young kids, and another couple of houses within earshot that have kids.  The truck always passes by at around 5:30 or 6 p.m., which should be prime time for an evening treat, but no one seems to take the bait.  Even last summer, the truck passed by in the hot afternoon and never stopped. Are they making any money from this gig?

I’ll admit, it takes some willpower not to run outside and chase the thing when I hear it. Not because it reminds me of childhood or that I’m a ice cream-eating fatass, but because I grew up in a rural area.  I saw an ice cream truck pass by my house precisely one time when I was a kid, and it wasn’t playing music and I think the guy was just visiting a friend on that street. If I wanted a sonic the hedgehog Popsicle, I had to be spending the day at a friend’s house, someone who lived in an actual suburbia.

So now that I live in a neighborhood with short driveways and houses on either side of me, it’s mindblowing, if not a little irritating, to hear the truck every day. It’s a novelty that hasn’t turned into the bane of my existence yet. Fuck, there it is again. Bye!

When I was 14, I put a wall clock in my bedroom for the first time. It was a billiards clock I got from Spencer Gifts at the mall, and it was another addition to my all-the-decor-in-my-room-is-from-Spencer-Gifts motif. (seriously, I had weird candles, a blacklight, blacklight posters, lava lamps, and now the clock). It was the first time I discovered my borderline schizophrenic hatred of ticking clocks.

The night of the purchase, the second hand prevented me from sleeping. I had to put the clock in the closet in order to keep my sanity.  But then, I could hear it from the closet, so I had to take the batteries out. Every night, the stupid clock went into the closet, batteries out, and every morning I reset it and put it back on the wall — for a few weeks, until I just left the thing in the closet permanently and sold it at a yard sale two years later.

Several weeks ago, my wife and I replaced the Wal-Mart TV stand in our living room with a massive entertainment center, which, Jenna insisted, required us to replace our wall clock with a mantle clock. We grabbed a cheap one from Big Lots, and that was that.  A few days later, when I sat down on the sofa to read, I discovered we had purchased a clock with the loudest frickin’ second hand on the planet. I had something close to a meltdown as I flashed back to the ticking clock of my teenhood, and the mantle clock is now resting soundly in the hall closet until I can figure out its rightful place. We bought a digital clock.

Here’s the thing: I love analog clocks. One day I hope to have a big expensive grandfather clock in my house. If it’s silent. For some reason, I can’t sleep, read, write, think, or even have an intelligent conversation if I can hear a clock ticking (either via a second hand or a pendulum). Doesn’t bother my wife, of course; she grew up in a house with half a dozen clocks that chime and play music every hour.

How can anyone tolerate a clock that announces every passing second?

Hello people! Happy Friday! It’s Cliff again with the latest in hip hop. Today I wanted to mention the new Air Yeezys which are a collaboration between Kanye West and Nike. While most rapper/shoe company collabos end in disaster these days, I think these shoes are pretty dope. I definitely will have to cop a pair pretty soon. The really remind me of the classic Air Jordan III from 1988 of which I own two pair. But buyer beware, I’ve heard the shoes will go for at least a couple of hundred dollars.

Kanye's new shoe made by Nike

For those who are fans of Michael Rapaport (and those who don’t know/care who he is), I recommend the movie, “Special.” Here’s a link to the information: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0479162/

Note: Rapaport was in Boston Public, Deep Blue Sea, The War at Home, Hitch, and plays Donald on Prison Break.

“Special” was released in the U.K. nearly 2 and a half years ago and had a limited theatrical release in the U.S. I was released on DVD in the U.S. just last month. Normally I ignore obscure movies, but this one really intrigued me because I’m a fan of Rapaport, and subsequently the film impressed me because of Rapaport’s performance. The story is only mediocre, a C+, but Rapaport brought the overall rating up to an A-. The movie is available at your local blockbuster or on netflix. Go see it! Or, if you’ve seen it, tell me if you agree with my assessment.

-Rafaella Cuff

“We don’t have homosexuals like in your country” is in my top ten favorite political Quotes. President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad may very well not have homosexuals in his country of Iran- mainly because the regime probably kills them all. Not to overlook the point, I want to talk about how absolutely hilarious politics can be.

Politicians are people, and people say dumb things. However, politicians are people who cannot afford to say such dumb things. As much as I am not in liberty to say that Iranians produce straight and gay children, I very much doubt Ahmadinejad can make the claim that only straight children come out of an Iranian woman’s uterus. Whether politicians say something absolutely ridiculously untrue or whether they say something so daft that it harms international relations does not matter, what matters is that what they said will be recorded in history books for as long as humans exist.

President Lula of Brazil has been known to say an odd thing on occasion. Perhaps his best yet is blaming the current financial crisis on “white people with blue eyes” while claiming that darker-skinned people should not have to suffer for white people’s mistakes, WHILE… (and this is the best part) in a joint press conference with UK prime minister Gordon Brown.

Prime Minister Gordon Brown and President Lula

How about Bill Clinton’s “I tried marijuana once. I did not inhale.” And do you remember David Dinkin’s “I haven’t committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law.” Here are a few others for fun- and remember, politicians are funny so listen to what they have to say.

“I was under medication when I made the decision not to burn the tapes.” -Richard Nixon
“If you take out the killings, Washington actually has a very low crime rate.” -Marion Barry
“I may not be the expert that some people are on foreign policy, but I did stay in a Holiday Inn Express last night.” - Mike Huckabee
“You helped to celebrate our nation’s bicentennial in 1776.” -President Bush Jr. to Queen Elizabeth II, who frankly was quite amazed she has lived this long.

What’s good? What’s hood? I’m Cliff a.k.a Public Enemy Number 1, one of the new resident bloggers here on the Tigerweekly site. While I will be accompanying my fellow bloggers on their critique of all current pop culture in general, I will also be specializing in the world of hip hop culture. With that being said, I would like to introduce you all to what I call REAL HIP HOP and not much of the commercial crap you hear on the radio and major networks such as BET and MTV (i.e. Lil Wayne, check my opinion article in the paper from a few issues back). Below is a link to the music video for Public Enemy’s “Night of the Living Baseheads� which gives a true and stark look at the dark and negative side of the drug game that many “rappers� tend to leave out. Enjoy!

Public Enemy-Night of the Living Baseheads

Next time…my thoughts on the new “Air Yeezys”-Kanye West’s new sneaker he designed in collaboration with Nike.

Susan Boyle Dreamed a Dream

-Rafaella Cuff

It seems like a fairy tale. An unattractive woman stands in front of Simon Cowell, and everyone smirks. Upon looking at Miss Boyle, I hardly expected more than a frog’s croak. Yet, out came a beautiful voice which left me and, apparently, everyone else who watched her “gobsmacked.”

Her success has created an uproar. Supporters with the like of Demi Moore have exclaimed their support for the middle-aged woman. In addition, her youtube video has made headline news- apparently, her video is more popular than President Barack Obama’s inaugeral address.

“Simple Susan” lives with only feline company. She was teased for being eccentric and never being kissed, and her audience thrives on her getting the last laugh. Yet, if Susan was a young, robust, sexy woman, there would not be this huge fan base. The show “Britain’s Got Talent” would not be watched by so many eager people around the world- curious about this pretty unattractive woman. As lovely as Susan seems, I really doubt this that she is more than a publicity stunt. Sadly, if she is, it worked.

If it is a publicity stunt, Simon is pretty smart. I think it is safe to assume that a large number of Susan’s audience would be exactly the type to label her “Simple Susan” had they seen/known her before her instant fame. Supporting her makes these same people feel good about themselves. Don’t get me wrong- I think there are many people who support her because she sings beautifully. However, supporting her because she sings beautifully and is less than beautiful on the outside is almost selfish. But, hey, that is just my speculation.

Have you ever been irritated by the way someone says or pronounces a word or phrase? As a douchebag of sorts, it sometimes irks me. In fact, for all those reading this who regularly interact with me IRL, please take note of the most common and irritating misuse of words/phrases you utter around me:

All of the sudden
Is wrong. I don’t even like the idiom “All of a sudden,” though I catch myself using it far too often. If you’re going to incorporate the phrase into everyday speech, at least use the right one.

I could care less
Really, you could? So, does that mean you care a great deal, or maybe just a moderate amount of caring? I’m sure you meant to say you don’t care at all, and it would much clearer if you used the cliche properly: “I couldn’t care less.”

Lie-berry
Warsh
balled 
= Library, wash, and boiled. I understand that there are regional differences in speech, but the spelling of some words are pretty simple, and the pronunciation is cut and dry. “Balled” in place of “Boiled” is the most acceptable of the three because it, at least, acknowledges the letters in the word and doesn’t add to or take away from them. 

N’ahlins
I’m not saying it’s wrong. Well, yes I am. “N’ahlins” is what people say the natives call their hometown. It’s a short, muddled-together pronunciation of New Orleans. But I know quite a few people from New Orleans, and I’ve heard it pronounced “New Ore-lins” (the common way) and “N’wa‘lins.”  Yes, the latter pronunciation produces a clumsy phonetic spelling, which is why “N’ahlins” is a better way or writing it. Unfortunately, the adapted spelling has prompted pretenders to say “Nah-lins” in the most obnoxious way imaginable. Here’s a secret: “Nah-lins” is infinitely more irritating than “New Orleens” or “New Ore-lians.”

For God sakes
What are sakes? Are God sakes superior to ordinary sakes?

Supposively
Self-explanatory.

The rest of my irritants are a matter of regional or cultural differences, so I won’t list them here. If you can think of some more, post ‘em.

Mine:

1

2

3

4

5

 Three out of five are women. Sorry about that.

Post your 5. I want comments!

These pictures are on the internet, which means they must be representative of our rich culture here in Louisiana. Where else can you stand in a circle, drink beer, and gawk at a mutilated nutria-rat?

Or hold a gun and get a mock blowjob from your equally homophobic male friend?

This guy owns a gun.

And finally, an artistic photo that I can’t seem to interpret.

Yee fucking haw.

Disclaimer: I don’t know who these people are, and my captions for these photos are lacking because there’s nothing I can say to make these photos funnier than they already are.