I was inspired by an OT thread on Tigerdroppings to go through this list and provide commentary for each point on this list.
18 Things A Grown Man Should Never Have
By Steve Calechman, Men’s Health
1. A black eye. Unless the rim hits your face mid-dunk, your peepers should remain unblemished. You’re smart enough to talk your way out of any fight you’re going to lose.
Minus a point for using the word “peepers.” I don’t believe a black eye is always the mark of failure in a fight. I’d say it’s uncivilized to instigate a fight, but not all fights can be avoided with linguistics. Actually, minus two points for using the word “peepers.”
2. A witty e-mail signature. Quotes and song lyrics should be heard during toasts and karaoke performances, respectively. Don’t let your electronic correspondence become the digital version of a motivational poster.
I’ll maybe agree with this one, but most people have an e-mail signature to give information. As long as the first lines of your signature provide the usual professional info, no one cares what kind of bullshit you put after it. Entertain us. This guy’s writing is pushing the limits of “cute,” and it’s getting on my nerves.
3. An empty refrigerator. Your larder should be amply stocked, your pantry provisioned. Always aim to be ready to create an on-the-fly, three-course dinner for her…along with breakfast in bed.
A punch in the throat for using the word “larder.” I do agree that having a meager refrigerator makes you look lazy and is probably a sign of unhealthy eating habits (lots of delivery and drive-thru). But the whole bit about impressing a girl on-the-fly sounds horribly forced. Of course, this poor column-filler is just trying to be witty and concise.
4. PlayStation thumb. When they’re relaxing, grown men can behave like children. But if you devolve long enough to cause calluses or button-shaped bruises, you’re assuredly missing out on life.
This is a personal belief. I don’t have a game console in my house because I don’t want the distraction. There are many things I want to accomplish before I die, and it’s bad enough that my Internet addiction is slowing down my progress. However, I will argue that most of us are THE video-game generation. People in their late-20s witnessed the full progression of video game technology and the dawning of a new pastime. It’s perfectly acceptable for a grown man to play video games, as long as your passion for it stays within the confines of your TV and computer.
5. A key chain with a bottle opener. This bauble is both a gauche reminder of your college days and proof that you don’t know how to apply leverage using available, impromptu bottle openers: a lighter, the back end of a fork.
I’ve never found it necessary to have a bottle opener on hand, nor have I ever needed to use a fork or a lighter. A PlayStation thumb will probably do the trick. Minus credibility as a writer for using the words “bauble” and “gauche.”
6. A lucky shirt. Every shirt is lucky when worn by a man who knows that the harder he works the luckier he’ll be.
Good words to live by. I like this point very much, but sadly this is not a new idea nor is it the writer’s own words.
7. An unstamped passport.
Yeah, yeah. Leave the country, broaden your horizons, learn about new cultures, embrace them as your own once you return to the U.S. so that you can feel superior to others. An alternative to this point would be “an empty bookshelf.”
8. Olympic dreams. Exceptions: curling and archery.
Ah, a cutesy one. Obviously, real men don’t aspire to be world-famous athletes. And forget skating — because of the TIGHTS Lol amirite
9. Less than $20 in his wallet. Fiduciary nudity is negligence. A real man should always carry a business card and enough dough to pick up coffee, bagels, and the Sunday paper without whipping out the plastic.
Fiduciary nudity? I hope they paid you well to fill this ad-less space. Embrace technology; it takes more time these days to give change back than it does to swipe a debit card. Coffee, bagels, AND the Sunday paper, eh? Sounds to me like a city-dwelling pompous ass who can’t toast his own bagel and refuses to let go of print media.
10. A name for his penis. Even if it’s a really clever name.
Hehe lol guess u needed to have a certain number of these rite? lolol
11. Any beer that costs less than $20 a case. And no exception for the grand-slam 30-pack that crosses that price threshold.
So, I can’t buy a case of American light beer? Price dictates quality, right? Whore.
12. The need to quote The Big Lebowski/ Caddyshack/Superbad. Reciting someone else’s lines reminds people that you haven’t the wit to write your own.
Yeah, I’ll give you this one.
13. A futon. Sure, beds are for sleeping. But such a meager, slouchy spread has never, in the history of sex, inspired a woman to say, “Take me on your futon.”
Yeah, aside from the terrible use of adjectives, I agree. Futons are disgusting pieces of furniture.
14. Code words for ugly women. Actually, code words for anything.
I’ve never had code words for this sort of thing, but I can see where it might come in handy when you want to talk about someone behind their back without actually being behind their back. It saves time.
15. A Nerf hoop in his living room. Keep the adolescent accoutrements where they belong: in the rec room or above the wastebasket in someone else’s office.
Accoutrements, eh? How classy of you.
16. A secret handshake.
These actually don’t serve much of a purpose unless an organization needs to distinguish members from non-members. An ID badge would also work. I like how this point lacks a sickeningly bad explanation. Nice job.
17. Drinking glasses with logos. Especially those kitschy McDonald’s Hamburglar ones.
Pretty much every beer drinker has a few pint glasses with pub and/or beer brand logos. There’s nothing wrong with having them. Guess he really needed 18. Awful list.
18. A recent story with the phrase “So I said to the cop…”
Yeah, I’ll agree. Most of the cop stories people tell are complete bullshit anyway, just like any other rehashed conversation. You turn yourself into Frasier Crane, and your verbal opponent somehow becomes Corky from “Life Goes On.”
So, there you have it. This list is neither funny nor informative. And now that I’ve needlessly torn another writer’s work to shreds, I will cook something from my fully stocked fridge.
